Sorrows, Sorrows, Prayers

 I’ve been stewing, I told someone once that I process like a crockpot, odd but true. I’ve been slow cooking and I think it’s coming off as sadness. I’m used to it being interpreted as mean, standoffish, but sadness makes me feel uncomfortable. I’m a happy person, I love life, glass 1/2 full type. So, this is concerning to me. Wait, pause, before I continue this word vomit of a post, I’m sipping on some Ste Chateau Michelle Sweet Riesling. Straight out the bottle (judge yourself for conforming to society’s standards and using a glass) but seriously, I just did my budget and it typically drives me to drinking. Anywho, back to my simmering ways/thoughts… 

 The first statement of my “sadness” began this Tuesday when my best friend left me an early morning message saying “you seem sad… I love you” (not the full message but that’s how I read it). Then the next day while on the phone my mom says “I’ve been meaning to check in, you just seem sad, melancholy”. I responded with “Im processing… maybe grieving”. God knows how to lay it on thick. Today, my 4 yr old asked “are you happy?” I’m like “what?? Yes, boo! Are you happy???” This whole time I’m thinking I’m handling life like a pro, Gordan Ramsey in Hells Kitchen style. It seems from the outside looking in, I’m clothed in sadness. 

So I’ve been sitting on “maybe grieving”. Just churning. Why did I say that? What am I grieving? WHO am I grieving? When did it start? How do I stop it? Is grief the right word?? It’s such an intense feeling. I’ve felt grief before, lost someone I love to my core, did it feel like this?? Yo…am I grieving? Like, oh snap, God, grief?? But no one has died. 

Maybe grief isn’t right. I’m for sure shedding. There has been loss. An identity that I’ve grown into is dying. The realization that I’ll no longer be a wife, a companion, partner, to someone who I committed to/promised to do life with.  Reality is setting in that the life I expected for myself and family also has to be released. All my hard-work, doing things the “right way”, in the “right order” was for what? A loss? A split in my home, family, reality (ok now I’m being dramatic). I know, I know, my situation is common. I’m not the first, I’m not the last. Who hasn’t dealt with a breakup. But it still stings. I’ve lost something and it’s not a person per se, it’s a part of me that I’ve clung to that I’m grieving. A part of me that I loved. It’s a sense of stability, security that’s shifting. Even the iterations of grief seem appropriate. I’m disappointed, troubled about the future, a bit irritated with current circumstances and yes, alas, sad. Cause forreal… why is it happening? Is this right? Is this “of God”??

But let me wrap this up, cause no one wants to read a blog that turned into a novel. The thing about grief is that there are stages. Well studied, typical responses that most people have, broken into several phases. So I’ve decided to fast track myself to the last one: acceptance (cause that’s how over achievers roll). I have no more energy to give to depression, or bargaining and I’m well past shock, denial and anger. Woe, is NOT me. So here I am in full acceptance that it happened and whether or not I could’ve prevented it is not as important as what I’ve learned during and since. 

Maybe I’m off kilter here, but there is beauty in loss. Peace. Growth. Laying one identity to rest is maybe creating room for another to emerge. Everything evolves, everyone should evolve…. 

Resting in Acceptance, 

The X