A Hard Earned Role

“This here, right now, at this very moment, is all that matters to me. I love you. That’s urgent like a motha…”, Darius - Love Jones.

There isn't a black 90s love movie I haven't seen. This era may have catapulted my hopeless romantic phase (yes it was just a phase). I'm confident it was the beginning of my infatuation with love.  A therapist might tell you different, something about childhood traumas, maybe mommy issues, but for this post stay with me, don't go too deep. We're on the surface and I'm a junkie, but I don't think I'm alone. I think most people love, love. Its beautiful... 

"Love is a juice with many tastes, some bitter, some sweet", Justice - Poetic Justice. 

Have you ever heard "all you need is love"? Well, I have but I'm finding its not the Taj Mahal. You actually need more than love. Love is not the Big Kahuna. Want to know what is? Trust. Yep, the big T word. They don't have a section in the bookstore called Trust novellas, or I've never watched a 90s black trust movie, Trust Dating Show. But it's clear that's what sustains, thats the glue. Love is easy, I've said it for ages and I'll die on that hill. Love is in fact easy. Well for me it is, trust on the other hand is a doozy. Think back to Lance and Mia in the Best Man. You see trust is a D.O.O.Z.Y. 

"What we shared was as sweet and endearing as a forehead kiss. It was what I wanted and what I needed. He was a gentleman and a friend and I'll always love him for that", Mia - The Best Man. 

Yesterday I was stranded on the side of the road with my 4 year old (exaggerating). She pointed and said "mommy the car is smoking" (no exaggeration). At first I couldn't wrap my mind around our car smoking so I'm thinking its just the car in front of me, not trusting a toddlers understanding of car smoke. But then I smelled something and was like bro, the car IS smoking. With panic swelled in my stomach, I pulled over, grabbed my purse and the toddler, dropped my headphones in a puddle of mud and water (insert eyeroll) and walked away from the car. While standing in the rain, I'm calling my husband. My mind is forreal running, I'm thinking he never answers, call someone else. But I called him first. 3 missed calls and an unread text later, my thoughts really started to get the best of me. Why'd you think he was going to answer? It's Friday night. Am I being ignored? All the love in the world couldn't stop the mistrust that bubbled in me. 

Now before I continue, to the 5 of you that will read this and know me don't go down the rabbit hole I went down. There are plenty of reasons he couldn't have answered. Oh and there was a reason, I wasn't being ignored, AND he did show up, he resolved the issue. This isn't about him, it's about me, stay with me. So I called my dad. Crazy thing is my dad usually doesn't answer on my first call, but I didn't have the same thoughts. There was just a trust that he'll come through for me from the beginning that I didn't have with my husband. Yes, we're finally here. I have trust issues. A philophile with trust issues.

I count my money when it comes out the ATM, I double check shopping bags, I jump to wild conclusions, 'cause them trust issues run deep. I once accused a mechanic of switching out my tires with lower tread ones (I know, I know, he didn't even have the time nor the reason). On the flipside there are people that I just trust, that I don't question their motives or intentions. I take their word and run with it. I'm not sure if its our familial connection or their wisdom or what it is. There are also many more people that I love. Trust?? not fully but I do love them. That's why I know trust is the most valuable commodity... to me. Now I know, trust has nuances (we trust people to make our food, pay us, heal us, teach us, and whatnot but don't love those people), I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about close relationships; platonic and not. 

Ughhh I'm dragging this on. I've actually lost track on why I came to dump today, but let me try to pull it together. Now that I think about it, I don't really have a reason outside of simply coming to dump. I'll leave you with this because its been on my mind. I just don't trust others, I also don't always trust me, trust what I've heard, what I know. I've grown up hearing I love you, I love them, I love that. Not so many I trust you, them, that. Oh I can't forget my fav is when the mothers of the church sang, I love the Lord... He heard my cry. My question is do you trust Him? Trust Him to respond? Trust what you've been given? Do you trust you? To hear? To act? 

Sip on that... 

- Crazy in Trust