Blind as a Bat

I’m sipping on a strawberries and crème protein shake. Sitting outside the gym, the sun hasn’t even peaked yet. I thought I’d talked about how dirty they did Hagar in the Bible but I got therapy on my mind. Im thinking of quitting. I've actually quit therapy before. Twice, maybe three times. I had one session with a therapist years ago, she gave me a recommendation for a book on boundaries. I downloaded, read the book, and canceled my next meeting. I checked that box. After that was couple's therapy. We'd been going for a min, I’m not sure if that’s a real quit or it just dissolved. Kinda like our relationship, ha, am I quitting or is it dissolving. But the first time I quit therapy was in college. I’d been mandated anger management with this lil’ white man (that has nothing to do with anything). One session he asked a question about my biological (also known as the woman who gave birth to me) and as I was answering I was crying and laughing. He then wanted to unpack why I was crying and laughing at this serious situation. Oh, are you stuck on mandatory anger management? So, not so long story cut short, at a very PWI  I had gotten into a tussle. Still can’t wrap your mind around me being angry, tussling, quitting ? Me either. 

In high school I was voted most ambitious (like high school superlatives mean anything), but in this case I was, I am. An ambitious quitter seems so contradictory. An oxymoron. You know... perception is a b… , a trick, excuse my french. I’ve been called a lot of things in life. Many I wouldn’t even call myself. What’s that saying, “if you don’t define yourself for yourself you’d be crushed into other people's fantasies of you and eaten alive”. I probably butchered that Audre Lorde quote that I learned from the Best Man movie. 

How do you perceive me? I’ve been seen as timid, weird, too quiet, sneaky, gullible, a 304 (think of a three letter word that rhymes with 304… get where I’m going?). Surprisingly, now that I think of it the person that saw me as a garden tool, called me a prude a month ago. Ha! How the tables turn. Maybe I’m reformed, maybe I never was. Shouldn’t I just define myself for myself? 

I’m actually use to being crushed into other people’s fantasies of me. I’ve thrived in some of these spaces. It's helped me become what I didn’t want to be. Once I was called a crackhead's daughter. “That’s why yo' momma a crackhead” stuck with me. Since then I’ve strived to be everything but that, whatever she was perceived as, I wanted no parts. You’re probably reading this like I didn’t know that (cause perception is a mutha). You know what I allow, and I’m not on some I’m bigger or better it’s just that we all are attempting to control our own narratives. Putting out what we want to who we want. Wonder why you couldn’t subscribe to this blog? I wasn’t ready for you to have easy access, a notification (I'll add the button though, I just don't like the options available for subscribing). 

Anyway, being called a 304 in college made me do two things; initially I embraced it, reframed it, said I was liberated. Wrote poems about it, wrote a paper about prostitution being the oldest career, questioned skill sets/soft skills and why women couldn't use these things in this profession (my professor loved it).Then I graduated and disassociated from everyone that perceived or could possibly think of me as one. Inadvertently, I became a “prude”?? Ha! Ok low key that term bothered me, just as much as 304 did/does. And to clear up whatever, I’ve legit been with the same man for like 10 or something years, I’m probably both. My body count is much lower than you think and it actually doesn't matter (I recently watched some youtubers talk about body count and I'm bothered). See, why did I feel the need to clean it up, explain myself? Perception... ugh.... 

Now I have been deemed some “respectable” things as well. After 5 years of marriage just recently I was called a “good wife”. Well damn, what took him so long to see lol. Wonder what would’ve changed had I heard that sooner than later. Once I was called a legacy builder, was even given an award. Ive been called employee of the month, a scholar, kindhearted, gentle. Im always torn with the gentle. Do I want to be? What’s wrong with being it? Anyhow, I’m usually striving to not become what others say AND making an effort to become the things that sound good, that resonant. Someone who didn’t realize who was behind this blog said “I like this writer, they’re good”, another wrote “I didn’t know you were so funny” and then another “I had no idea you wrote”. I knew though. I knew I was funny, that I wrote, and every now and then something decent came from me, that I’m “good”. 

So why’d I bring up quitting therapy? ‘Cause my therapist is pushing this vulnerability thing. And her perception of me is that I don’t quit, I take action, get therapy, go to the gym at 5AM, write blogs. She keeps challenging and I keep accepting but yo, that’s just ambition. And I think it’s waning. Listen I will drop something, including therapy, faster than a Puff Daddy settlement. 

My sight has never been great. I've worn glasses since grammer school. My near-sightedness coupled with an astigmatism has distorted my view. I've needed assistance to see for a minute. But I'd like to define myself for myself. See me like God sees me. Not crushed into other people's fantasies whether they are well intentioned or not. I know that's on me. On me to be vulnerable, allow others to connect with the multifaceted me, not just the IG/Tiktok/Twitter/Blogger me. Ha. I'm actually very different on each of these platforms, controlling the narratives. 

So how do you view me? More importantly how do you view you? Does it really matter? 

- Blind as a Bat 

Yall know bats aren't blind right. They have a very distinct ability to see in pitch black AND their hearing is A1. Just a tidbit...