Hard Wig, Soft Life

I’m sipping on a Strawberry Kiwi Capri Sun. I thought I’d come share about work but something my sister said has me slow brewing. She said I should pray “use me Lord”. Stunned. One because we were having a conversation about Amazon purchases, where’d that come from??? Dos, use me for what? Really, where’d this come from??Is that blasphemous or unreasonable to ask? Quite honestly I’m well versed in cultural norms so I was prepared to respond with a wholesome, politically correct, “yes!” even throw in a “let me be an offering” for some razzle dazzle. Maybe I’m feeling a bit fair weathered today. Use me for what? I’m not real religious yall so I’m curious. 

Don't get me wrong, God and I are tight. I lean on Him, trust Him, love Him. He’s faithful, gracious, a provider, comforter (ok, ok, I know it’s sounding a lil religious). I’m not trying to down play religion or spirituality. What I mean is I’m still developing in my faith and I don’t want anyone mistaking these rants as a Christian gone astray. This ain’t that boo. This is me processing. I admit, I do stray sometimes. My relationship with God is real personal, (maybe that’s why I always feel awkward once I press publish on this blog). Sometimes I wonder if I should share these parts that only He’s been privy to. He and I have been rocking for a minute. 

I wouldn’t say I grew up in church, yes I went to church. I will say I grew up around believers that always gave me an option. At least I felt like I had an option to fully engage or not. I had an option to read, explore, wonder about faith, spirituality, religion, just life, and everything in between. I chose God, I choose Him daily (I know, I get it, He chose me first and whatnot). Choice is not always simple. It’s why sometimes phrases like “use me Lord”, sends me spiraling. It sparks questions. It gets personal…

 Full transparency “use me Lord” sounds like work. Not the this a lil hobby I have on the side but some serious getting your hands dirty type of work. And if given the choice, I always choose not to work. Call me lazy, go ahead judge me. Dream job??? I do NOT dream of labor! I’d rather wear a hard wig and live a soft life. I’m lying no one desires to wear a hard wig but I heard that’s how black women get to the soft life, the key is tattered, unbrushed, crooked synthetic. You might be a bit confused but search hard wig, soft life on TikTok and you’ll understand. Tiktok doesnt lie. *insert giggle*. Unlike me, I do lie. I’d say use me Lord but deep down wonder if the tasks will be too hard, too taxing, too costly. Wonder if I’m worth using. I might be alone here, just He and I, cause it’s personal...

 I’m really thinking about if I’ve ever just asked God to use me. Like flat out was like ok, “use me” (period). Ive asked for a lot of things but open ended requests require sacrifice. Require choice. Am I ready for this? What will it cost? Does that matter? He’s done so much for me already, what’s stopping me from doing for Him? For His glory? He’s given me so many options, so much freedom, will, I could do anything… Why not be used? Ummmmm….. crazy thing is I know He has used me, is using me, even when I want to fade into the background. Succumb to silence. Ummm…. Surprisingly, I’m lost for words. But I’ve made a choice tonight, I will take my sisters advice. 

Go ahead, Use me Lord … 

Ok, I’ve found a few other words. If you searched hard wig, soft life and now think I’m out here with a dingy wig looking for a wealthy man that lacks melanin, take a breath. Deep, slow, wide, breath. It was a passing thought (wink) and provocative (wink and giggle). If you read this, left concerned, and are now praying for my maturity in Christ, thank you, I need and appreciate it. Peace ✌🏽