Mommy on Break

 I realize if I don’t get my writing out in one sitting then it’s gone with the wind. I have 4 unfinished pieces from this week. All 4 started well enough and then ended mid sentence. I have no idea where I was going and as I reread them I just decided they’ll stay unpublished. I’m moving on. I’m sipping on nothing because it’s 12:45AM and I can’t sleep. This retainer in my mouth is weird and low key grossing me out. I can hear the live in coughing up a lung downstairs and the toddler is still awake talking to him. Am I a bad mom for not making both of them go to bed? 

I had a bad mom moment earlier this week though. I completely regretted my actions after the fact. Im usually on pick up duty. The live in drops off and I pick up. Sometimes I can’t make it to pick up on time so the live in picks up. I realize the day after he picks up, the toddler and I have beef. I’m not sure why his pick up game is much better than mine but she’s let me, and all of her teachers know she prefers when her daddy picks her up. This has happened several times over the last few months. The first couple of times when she cried and asked why didn’t he pick her up it saddened me. I don’t play about my baby’s emotions. I specifically have prayed “protect my child, even from me” because I so deeply want to care for her wholly. So to see her cry to a teacher because I picked her up hurt. 

We tried talking about it and I concluded it must be the chips he has in the car so I started bringing chips to pick up. It’s not the chips. There’s a connection they have that we don’t and I guess I have to be ok with that. My fault, back to the bad mom story… I was picking up the mini and she started crying and asked where her daddy was. The teacher is consoling her and I’m attempting to regulate my emotions in front of all these people. Internally, I’m embarrassed, sadden, and on the brink of anger. We get in the car and there’s no tears anymore. She’s excitedly telling me about her gingerbread house which I sat next to her car seat. As I’m driving she starts crying again and saying “no my gingerbread house”. I pull over and come to find out the house has just fallen over in the plate. It’s still in tack just laying on its side. That’s when anger not just peaked but leaked all out. 

I blurted something along the lines of keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about. The crazy thing is I’d just told the live in to not say things like that. That I don’t want her to repress her emotions or feel like she can’t cry. Tears are natural, they should be released. And here I am pulled over, angry about a gingerbread house. Actually it had nothing to do with that stale, crooked house (that she really did a great job of decorating) and everything to do with MY unregulated emotions. I was projecting. 

I put effort into being a decent mom. I’m usually cautious with my words and actions (my lil is observant and vocal, she’ll repeat something I said in a heartbeat). I pray constantly for her. I read about best ways to parent. And I give her all of me, atleast I think I am. If I’m being honest it’s hard to give her all of me. After working a full day, commuting, rushing to pick up, making dinner, giving baths, doing hair, I sometimes dont have the capacity to play or even play nice. Like that day in the car. I was overwhelmed and overthinking the whole daddy vs. me pick up and in a split second couldn’t hold my tongue. I did apologize to her. Even asked what she was thinking. She said something along the lines of “I’m thinking if daddy wants Popeyes” (insert heavy deep eye roll). 

I never thought I’d be the least favorite parent. But the mini reminds me often lol. I knew our labor as parents would be different. That’s probably why I cried when I found out I was pregnant. You ever heard of a married woman crying cause she pregnant by her husband (I know it’s odd, I’m a bit odd, I might have to stop telling yall my business before you actually begin to judge me). But yes I cried real tears because I didn’t know if I was ready for mommihood. It was never a real desire for me to be a wife and a mom and boom 6/7 months into marriage I’m becoming a mom. And this shit is hard. I’m not sure how else to frame that sentence. 

Loving my baby girl is easy. I want her to have the very best parts of me and every good thing. We also have some amazing times together. Being intentional in my parenting is difficult. That’s why I pray the prayer “protect my child, even from me”. I would never deliberately harm my mini, I also recognize I come with years of trauma, learned behaviors that could be unhealthy. I may not always remember to respect her, her voice, and boundaries. I may not always know what’s hurtful to her or even what’s right for her. So though it is absolutely mind boggling that she asks for her dad during pick up or bedtime, when I’m right here present, I know it’s not personal. I get that she’s 4 and she just wants to be with the more playful parent, that brings slushies and lets her stay awake until 1AM.

So here’s what I learned these past few months through mommying. 1) Call her daddy cause that’s who she wants to be with anyway. 2) When that’s not an option, give her a tablet, take a breath and a bathroom break for as long as I need to. 3) Give it to God

Mommy on Break