Why beat a dead horse?

                                                 

A moment ago I was actually becoming teary eyed, at work. I know I need to get it together. My emotions are wildin'. It’s not even that time of the month, they just won't contain themselves. Everything can spark a tear. Its exhausting. My colleagues were a God send though. One popped in and then another and my small office that really is difficult to find, was filled with laughter which allowed me to self correct. No tears shed today. That’s how I like it and to keep it that way here I am getting it out ‘cause at this point it’s doing me more harm than good to keep it to myself. I'll start at the beginning. I'm warning you, this will be long and a very vulnerable moment for me. 

To protect all parties involved some moments may be left out. No need to villainize anyone or beat a dead horse. Ha! Like forreal, why beat a dead horse? It won’t feel a thing. Anyway, mid summer I was living my best life; concerts, brunch, shopping, traveling. I also felt kind of lonely, maybe a longing. This wasn't a new feeling, honestly, I'd grown accustomed to it over the years. I know, I know, I'm married, I'm a mom, I legit have 11 siblings. I think other married women get lonely sometimes but for me I was actually alone a lot. All my going out was to overcompensate for the fact that when at home it was just me and the toddler most days. Especially, on the weekends, so to remedy that I'd beat my live in (I think that's what we'll call the husband from now on) to the punch and make plans to go out. You know what black women do when they feel things like loneliness, sadness, hurt... they get busy. So I went to work, I went out, even made plans to get a certification in an area I have ZERO experience in. 

On the day I was scheduled to take the certification test, a lot happened. Things just didn't go smoothly. It’s a proctored test and originally I was told my testing area wasn't suitable and I had a few hours to log back in after getting a new area together. During this window I wondered if I should just not take the test. I hadn't really studied for it, I was sure that I'd fail AND I had to pick up the toddler within those 6-9 hrs allotted for signing back on. At the 11th hr, the lil' one and I are in the house. I'm in what I think is a suitable testing area and I've told a 3 yr old (at the time) that she can NOT open the door while I'm taking my test. I repeated that she needed to knock first but do not open the door. I'm not sure if you've ever taken a proctored test at home but negative stars, I do not recommend. I was adamant about her not opening the door because it was made very clear to me that if anyone did, then my test would be terminated (probably not that wording) but you get the point (hopefully). 

Of course true to toddler form, in the middle of me testing. She flings the door open and says "mommy someone is at the door". People rarely come to our house on a weekday especially in the evening so I too was surprised that someone rang the doorbell. I also couldn't have my phone or watch during the test so couldn't see anyone on the ring app. Without moving from my seat, laptop still open, I tell her to ignore the doorbell, and close the door. She did. My proctor had already stopped my test. Then says "you cannot have someone enter the room while testing". I breakdown. Like forreal full blown tears because I was simply overwhelmed. This was the third testing space in my house I'd tried that day. I’d already paid for this test. I couldn't get in touch with the live in to get home to tend to the toddler. I couldn't convince a baby to stay put for 4 hours while testing (I think I had 4-6 hrs to complete the test). So I'm crying and saying "but she's just 3". I didn't know what else to say... "but she's just 3". The proctor let me finish my test. She even let me take my break and pull myself together. It was difficult because after that moment all I could think about is that my baby girl might come in again. So I sped through the test. I was for sure I had failed, I wanted to pass, but I just couldn't see how I couldve. After finishing, the system populated a preliminary score and low and behold, I passed. I was in shock, grateful, and of course I was crying again. When the live in got home. I ran down the whole situation excitedly and the response was lackluster. There were no congrats, sorry I wasn't here, I had to do xyz. Alone again. That day my mom had asked if I was clear on what I wanted (in life, in marriage). That night I prayed a simple prayer, "God, make it plain". That's it. That's the prayer. It wasn’t fully what I wanted but thought maybe clarity could get me there. That 4 word prayer didn’t cross my mind until weeks later. 

Weeks later, I'm at work, it was a busy morning, an event day, so every minute of every hour was filled with something to do, see, fix. I got a text from an unknown number around 9 and it was several messages with pics included. Didn't think to really open it at the time so I carried on. I'm in a lot of group chats so I'm no stranger to text throughout the day. Also, I find that people change their numbers so it didn't strike me as strange. When I did get a moment to read it, digest it, I was shook. Not shocked but shook. I was hot, that type of anger that doesn't allow tears. It boils right to the brim without overflowing. I sat in my office, processing (more like an instant pot that day). My next move had to be my best move. I'd been down this road before. I'd responded too quickly before, jumped to conclusions, too hot, too emotional, so this time I'd think before I acted. Be rational. I couldn’t. I packed my stuff, told my boss I needed to go without an explanation and got out of dodge. While in the car I'm calling my live in, had to be 12 missed calls. I was out of it. Ready to drive to his job. Each missed call, I became hotter. But I'm glad he never answered. It allowed me to pipe down, be in silence, breathe. I asked for it to be made plain, right. So here it was, plain as day. Plain as a picture from an unknown number. So I road in silence and by the time I got home I responded to lil’ miss incognito and said thank you. I texted the live in and said I know what's going on, I want out. By this time I'm calm, eerie type of calm. That day forward I knew I needed to do something, but at first I didn't do anything but talk a big game, got busier, went out more, and fell into a very strange cadence. 

Before we move on. Don't for one second think I'm the bigger person, mature, level headed. I'll answer the questions that I know are brewing. Did I call the number? Yes, twice, they didn't answer. Did I send a text beyond Thank you? No, this wasn't about them. Did I Google/Facebook/CashApp/Zelle/IG/ search the number? Yes. Did I find what I was looking for? Chillleeee, that's another post that may never be written. What was the picture? It’s actually on a public platform anyone can stumble upon it. How did the live in respond? Short and non chalant. Did he apologize? Yes. We've talked alot about this situation since then. To be honest we've had the best communication that we've ever had because of it. It's something refreshing about truth. Each conversation has given me clarity about him, us, myself. Did I curse him out? Indeed. Kill him? Thought about it (I'm kidding)... 

SORRY, I told you it'll be a long one. I'm trying to get to the point. Actually, there is no point to get to, I’m just getting it off my chest. Here's the rest... 

In the fog, I made plans, made lists, scrolled too often on social, woke up earlier, went to the gym, got in my word, got a therapist, tried to be vulnerable, open up, find community. I even submitted my dissolution for divorce not once but twice and kept getting an error message. Each time an error that apparently the clerks office was even unfamiliar with so I'm like ok. STOP & WAIT. Was I rushing this thing? Was divorce the easy way out? What other options did we have? We'd done the counseling and I'd done the forgiving even in this moment I was being more open than I'd ever been, more vocal than I realized I could be. Trying to understand his perspective. I laid it all bare because I was at the end of my rope but still managing as if everything was cool. Even did my wifely duties (judge your auntie, I had a low moment). ‘Cause that's who I am, cooler than the other side of the pillow, put together, poised, unbothered, understanding, and a busy body. In the midst of getting busy making calls to lawyers, meditators, financial advisors, pastors, mentors and family, I was still being a wife, a confidant, a mom, a good employee, a friend, big sister. Exhausted and alone. So I stopped and waited. At least for the things I could stop and wait on. 

So last week, I realized I'm no longer in the waiting room. How? Idk, I just knew it was time. I filed. Third times a charm, this time it went through, it was accepted but still something wasn't quite right. Let me just say, the amount of reading and research I've done, you would think I could be a lawyer at this point. Someone pay me a $4000 retainer please! All my due diligence and I was still missing something. Maybe common sense to actually hire a professional. Maybe a bit more patience. I kept moving, asked the live in to come with me to the clerks office. He obliged like he's done ever since this all went down. He brought me lunch, we completed paperwork, made a date of it. I'm thinking cool, this step is done even after a few mishaps before and at the clerks office. Ha! Today I received an email, three forms were accepted, but one was rejected. Rejected??? What am I missing, I followed directions, I actually went in person.The woman literally said congratulations. He and I laughed at the congrats. So I started to tear up because I'm like maybe I'm not supposed to do this. Is the timing off? Do I need to splurge on a lawyer? What am I missing? Not understanding? Not hearing? Should I be fighting alone?? Confusion is a heavy load to lift, but Im not confused right? I know what I know. But just to be sure I asked the live in prior to filing if this was right, if I'm off. He said "what's giving you second thoughts?" Go ahead and laugh. I'm chuckling too, and yes I realize it's not funny. His initial response told me everything I needed to know but I still said "cause God can fix marriages". To keep it 100, that's not a typical response from me. I believe it to be true, but not something I'd say. Actually let me jot that down on my list of things not to utter. This aint no Tyler Perry movie. Maybe I said it because unlike Mel from Love and Marriage Huntsville, I haven't heard God say go. I also haven't heard Him say stay. Topped with rejection is making me question if I'm hearing at all. I'm not going to take this down a spiritual route, though its pertinent, it’s actually the link, but I’ve already written a chapter in a textbook. In this situation I said it because that's what I'd heard the pastor say the day before, not to me directly, but it stuck out. "God can fix marriages". Is God fixing this one? Would He? Did He want to? 

 Loneliness and hope are a dangerous combination. Sprinkle a little insecurity or confusion and it's lethal. Separate they each play an important role, together, for me, they are absolutely, positively, no good. So is God fixing this one? Clearly not.... I’m not being crass either. So remember I asked the live in “is this right?” After his initial question, his response was "I think it's too much to overcome, since I've broken the trust completely and it's already been put out there". I know what you're thinking, I thought it too, but not too much on my child’s father aka baby daddy aka live in now (aint that what the young folks say: not too much, not too much). The next day is when I filed the paperwork, no errors, but still rejected. At this point I wonder which dead horse I’m beating …

- Rejected horse beater (not literally of course)